Jordan -part 2: Jordan and Mamaw

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

  In 2014 my family went through what I view as our toughest year so far. The year, like most, was full of highs and lows. However, the lows were SO low that I often wondered what the future would be like. 

In that year we lost our 4th child, Jordan, and my Mother (Mama to me, Mamaw to my children). I have written about Jordan’s death in a previous blog, Jordan-part 1. He died in April 2014 at 20 weeks into my pregnancy.

My mother had a short battle with Cancer in September of that same year. These losses seemingly changed everything about my life. There were times when I couldn’t even imagine what my life was supposed to look like anymore. Shortly, if not moments, after my mother passed, my mind started drawing connections between her and my baby. God is so gracious in the ways that He cares for us. These thoughts have broken my heart at times, but also brought great COMFORT. This comfort has been such a gift that I feel compelled to share this story, as difficult as it is. My prayer is that the comfort found in my story can be passed on to others.

   There is a chronological story I could tell of Jordan and his Mamaw, however, they are connected differently in my heart.

The experiences that I had with these 2 important people have pulled and tugged on my heartstrings and woven them into a beautiful tapestry. As any tapestry, it has many threads, colors, and layers that all work together to create a beautiful masterpiece. 

The most obvious thread of connection is that they are absent from here. I miss them both terribly and of course wish they were here with me. 

I’m sure that Heaven is much more than what I imagine it to be, but I believe that it is a place of connection for them. This thread of the tapestry is wound in HOPE. The hope that through God, I will see them again.

Another thread that connects them is LOVE.

She loved him. 

If you have been through the experience of watching your mother become a grandmother, you have probably sat in awe at this mysterious transformation. Mother’s apparently have the ability to completely change their view of child rearing once their baby has a baby.

As I hear the stories that my older children tell of what she let them do, I sometimes wonder if we’re talking about the same person. I find it difficult to believe that the same woman that MADE me eat pinto beans fed my kids chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night! 

The joy of seeing her love and spoil my children was fantastic, mysteriously fantastic. She was a proud Mamaw who loved and adored her grandchildren.

From the moment she found out that I was pregnant, she loved Jordan. This deep love produced deep grief and sorrow, when he died. She was a great comfort to me through this loss, even though I know she was hurting as much as I was.

We had found out that the baby passed on a Monday and on Wednesday I had to leave town for surgery. I think often of how Mama hugged me as I was leaving for the hospital. Her and my dad walked us to the car. When we got close to the car she hugged me tight and told me she loved me. It still pulls at my heart when I remember how she then leaned back and placed her hand on my belly. As she said “bye, baby” we both cried, she seemed to want to say more, but couldn’t. She then hugged me again and told me that she was praying for me and that it was going to be ok. This has become a sweet memory of both of them, and the love she had for both of us. I think she was actually the last person that spoke aloud to Jordan.

After Mama died, I reminisced again of her tearful goodbye to Jordan, then, I realized, she was also the first of us to get to tell him “hello”.       The strong thread of my mother’s love is still tightly wound. God’s design in motherly love is truly a gift to each child. I can still feel her love today.

My mom started feeling ill in August. She was a tough woman, so it was probably before that, but we found out in August. After 2 separate trips to the ER, she was admitted to the hospital with stage 4 lung cancer. She was given the prognosis of 1 year left with us. This was difficult, VERY difficult, but we had great conversations about making the most of it, and enjoying what we had. 

I was already anticipating (or dreading) September. My original delivery due date for Jordan was September 8th (also my brother’s birthday, which I didn’t dread). The time between losing Jordan and the day of his due date seem strange and bothersome. I hoped that when we made it past that, it would take us to a new place of healing. I prayed for the mending of the unraveling thread of disappointment.

Some days as I walked from the car to the entrance of the hospital, I would be flooded with emotions.

I remember thinking things like, “I can’t believe I’m here to see Mama”, ” this doesn’t seem real”, “I should be coming here to have the baby”, “First Jordan, and now Mama?” I was grieved for Jordan and the future loss of Mama.

The grief was so painful to speak of or even think about. I felt strangely guilty for wishing I was there to have my baby. I was tired of grieving, but knew we had a long road of it ahead. That mixture of grief, pain, guilt, and exhaustion could be so heavy in an instant. Looking back on those short, heavy walks to the hospital doors were a weak, unravelling thread. The tapestry surely isn’t supposed to look like this!

In the seconds it took my mind to get that low, I could silently cry out to God and He would comfort me, and bring a peaceful STRENGTH that could have only been Him. I know that I am not strong enough to have survived those days alone. This thread of PEACE is what bound my heart tightly to God as He walked with me through the darkest times.

We had some long days of preparing to bring Mama home so we could care for her in her last days with us. This busyness did distract me some from the approaching due date. That day came and was not what we expected. 

Mama had been in the hospital for 10 days. My dad called me from the hospital shortly after I got to work, he was crying. He told me that Mama was gone. This was surprising even though we knew she was dying. Dad told me that she had her morning tea, called my brother to tell him “Happy Birthday” then went to sleep.

As she napped, she simply stopped breathing here, and woke up in Heaven.

This tangled thread was so confusing at first. As we worked through it, I discovered it was actually a thread of MERCY. I feel that God spare all of us a measure of suffering that we could have never prepared for.

How can 6 years seem to pass so quickly, yet also seem so long?

One minute it feels like this all took place last week then the next minute it feels like I’ve lived a lifetime in these 6 years.  

I was reminded of the many threads of connection for these two loved ones again recently. A dear childhood friend had messaged me of a dream she had about my mama. I first read the message a couple of years ago when she sent it. I opened the message recently to tell her about something unrelated. As I reread the description of the dream, it was the perfect time to thank God for this well-timed thread of comfort. In her dream she saw my mother and a young boy dancing, like playing “Ring around the Roses”  She described the boy as being dark-haired, with glasses, and aged 6-8 years old. She said they were smiling and wanted us to know they were happy. Now, regardless of how you view or think of dreams, I can promise you that I am comforted by this dream and the friend that shared it with me.

God’s comfort can come from various places and people. For that I am truly thankful. That is really the only reason I wanted to share this. I pray that these threads of connection are displaying a tapestry that portrays God and His…

HOPE

LOVE,

PEACE, 

STRENGTH, 

MERCY, 

& COMFORT.

 “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18