Jordan- Part 1

Losing someone you know and love is SO difficult. So is losing someone you love, but didn’t get the chance to know. 

That’s how I feel about my Jordan. I loved (and still love) him, but never got the opportunity to know him.

His life was very short, too short. His story is quite long, and honestly I feel his story is still being written in my heart.

I want to share a little of his story today.

Around Christmas of 2013, I suspected that I was pregnant. I don’t remember dates but I know it was a break from school and we were preparing for a New Year trip. I secretly took a test and it was negative. Our youngest daughter was 10 years old. Jeremy and I wanted to have more children, but had accepted that maybe we were not going to. So, with the negative test, I accepted again (with some pouting, then prayer) that I was not going to have more children.

We went on our trip, had a great holiday with our family. Once we were all back into the daily grind, I decided to take another pregnancy test. It had been about 2 weeks since the negative test.

 This time it was positive! I even got to surprise Jeremy with the news, it was great. We were all very happy and excited!

As we were planning we did feel a little out of touch with the pregnancy and baby prep life. A lot changes in 10 years! However, our excitement remained. 

I was considered high risk since I was over 35 years old. I was not so impressed with the term “geriatric pregnancy” that I saw on my chart. They really know how to make a girl feel good! Even though I felt young enough to have a baby, this led to extra appointments, tests, blood draws, and sonograms. Our baby’s measurements were a little small but everything seemed healthy. Even though the extra tests were all a little unusual for us, we remained positive and so thankful.

We joyfully continued to prepare for the addition to our family for the next few months.

When I was 20 weeks along, we went to one of our specialists for a routine anatomy scan. We were excited to see if we were having a boy or a girl. We were also excited to see the baby squirm around while the doctor tried to measure everything. They rarely cooperate with this invasion of their space! We knew he was pretty active since we had been feeling him move around quite a bit, especially in the last week.

When the screen was lit up and we saw the side profile image of our beautiful baby. It didn’t look quite right but the reason why did not register at first…. It was the stillness.

 Instead of blood pumping and squirming arms- it was still… like a printed sonogram photo.

 The tragic reality was creeping into my brain just as the doctor started turning toward us and removing the equipment.

She was so kind and sympathetic as she apologized and said to us that our “baby has passed”. Those were the heaviest words I have ever heard. They were hard to hear, but even harder to repeat to our family. 

We ALL grieved and mourned this terrible loss. Our parents and friends were so helpful as they grieved with us. They also all helped us teach our children how to properly grieve. Looking back, it was actually very helpful to Jeremy and I and our own grief, to have to answer all the questions that our kids asked. As a family we had to process so much of it aloud as we talked it through with the children. We were “forced” to speak the hardest things about this loss to help our children understand. In turn, we had no other choice but to lean on God and the truths of His Word, He had the answers that we did not.

So often, we tend to remain silent about our burdens and pain. We try to hide it, and think that if we ignore it then it wont bother us. 

This is not true. 

The more I talk about Jordan’s life and death, the more peace I have.

 I have noticed and talked with a few others about how the topic of miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant death are not talked about. There is a lot of talk about the “stigma” of it all.

 I think more than stigma though, it is just too painful. 

We as a culture do not want to be uncomfortable, or make others uncomfortable.

This type of loss is so difficult to talk about, but it is also therapeutic and part of the healing process.

With October being “Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month” this has of course on my mind. I see several posts on social media every day, reminding me of my loss, and that there are other grieving families. 

So many of these posts tend to be written from a negative perspective. This is so hard to see or read, but certainly understandable. I think this is due to the grief that is still so heavy on their hearts. You can hear the lingering pain as you read between the lines.  

Grief is hard, but God is still good. 

He has healed many areas of this hurting mama’s heart! His comfort is available, and restorative. He also continues to walk with me when my day suddenly turns dark, as the storm clouds of grief blow in, yet again.

If you are grieving, talk to God, He really can help.  Also, talk about your baby. Find someone who is willing to listen. 

If you know someone who is grieving, listen. Ask them if they want to tell you about their baby. Let them tell you the same simple details of their baby’s short life over and over. You can help them heal.

I have written this post in memory of our child, Jordan Hare.

I have also written it for the glory of God. He has given me many gifts in my lifetime, Jordan is one of the most precious ones.

 I am still so thankful for the gift of being Jordan’s mom. This experience has also made me thankful for the God who goes with us through the dark places. He guides with the lamp of His Word, and comforts us through the Spirit, He supports us through His followers.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭4‬ ‭ESV